so this is the entry where i bitch about ephelba. yesterday morning we are lying in bed together, procrastinating about getting up since i don't have class on tuesdays. ephelba is cuddling with me, rubbing her hands all over me and generally making me feel good. she is lying behind me, and after i get tired of heving to reach behind me to touch her, i turn over. i'm kissing her neck when this cold voice asks 'what do you think you're doing?' i'm trying to think of what can possibly answer this, because i think its pretty obvious what i'm doing, and then the voice continues. 'because i don't know what you think you're going to do before you have to leave.' [i have to leave soon to do ephelba the favor of taking her child to school] 'so now i'm all awake and turned on, and for what?' well excuse the fuck out of me. its not like i wouldn't be back in ten goddamn minutes and we could finish what she started. its not like i was the one who got things going, its not like she was the only one who got turned on, its not like i've never had to wait for like days for any when i've been horny because ephelba was 'too tired.' i am so mad i could kick the house down. what the fuck! why would a person do that, get their partner all turned on and then bitch at them when they respond? it doesn't make any sense. what is going through her head. and its no fucking good asking ephelba, she'll just say 'i don't know,' or something equally illuminating. and the other thing is that it hurts. i couldn't believe it. its a risk in general to initiate sex with ephelba. it rarely results in a positive outcome [i.e., actually having sex] lately. but i had felt fairly safe in doing so yesterday, mainly since ephelba had been all over me. so when she turned and snarled at me, i could not have been less prepared. i feel so hurt and betrayed and its just not going away. i keep thinking that i will just get over myself any minute now, but i just keep feeling hurt and angry. ephelba spent the rest of the day apologising and being extra nice to me. and really, more apologising and being extra nice is not what i need to get past this. i am at a loss right now as to what to do. maybe i just need time to experience what i'm feeling. sigh.