you see, i should have posted this entry months ago. that’s when this all happened. its just that then, it all seemed too raw. not in an unpolished writing sense of the word, but in an the extreme emotional vulnerability sense of things. this whole time i’m with ephelba and her son, boi, i marvel at the things he does. sometimes with a ‘isn’t that sweet’ attitude, and sometimes with a ‘what the hell is he thinking?’ kind of attitude. and ephelba is always saying to me, ‘don’t you remember what its like to be seven?’ and the answer is nearly always ‘no.’ i don’t remember. and what i could remember wouldn’t be stuff that would help me understand this boy any better. it helps me empathize with scared and abused children, but fortunately, boi is a million miles away from that. so boi is quite possibly the strangest thing i’ve ever encountered, nothing like me. when it came time for me to be introduced to boi, while i was looking forward to it, i was filled with apprehension.

ephelba and I had been seeing each other for a few weeks, and really liking each other. and it was more than inconvenient that every time we wanted to get together we would first have to wait until boi went to bed, or even more rare, one of ephelba's friends [with whom she shares child care] would keep him overnight. so we were thinking that maybe now was the time for me to meet boy, and then i could come over whenever. also, boi is terribly inquisitive, and quite the little eavesdropper with little else worth doing, besides listening to his mother on the phone with me. so he knew mom had a ‘special friend,’ and he knew my name, and he was getting real curious to meet me. so ephelba asks me, do i want to meet boi?

this was a difficult question for me at the time. of course i did, but only had my own experience with the meeting of the men my mother dated when i was seven years old to go on. i was not happy to meet these guys. i had a father already, and didn’t have any interest in having a stand-in. i hated these guys. so when ephelba asks me do i want to meet him, the first thing i thought was, “i don’t want to be hated by a seven year old boy, not today.” ephelba reassured me that boi won’t hate me, that in fact he really would like to be friends with a man, and would do all sorts of silly stuff to get my attention, and to get me to like him. so we set up a time and date that the meeting will happen, and boi is informed of this meeting, and is all excited.

but then ephelba goes into 'consultation mode,' and speaks with everyone she sees about whether or not boy and i should ever meet. there is a wide range of opinion on this matter, all the way from ‘boy should not meet me until ephelba and i are married’, to ‘go ahead what are you waiting for already.’ the result of all this is that ephelba decides that we should put off the meeting, until she can make sense of all this new information she has. unfortunately, boy had already been told that he would meet me, and was upset that it was put off. i was both relived, since I would not be getting hated right away, and disappointed, since after hearing so much about him, i was really looking forward to finally seeing him. but ephelba is convinced that it is too soon, and that we should wait. but this is ok, since ephelba and i are still going to be seeing each other.

so on the day that i was to have met boy, ephelba and i get together. since our budgets are tight, and childcare is at a premium, we are again socializing at her place. i am careful to arrive after boi has gone to bed. when it gets late, and we are tired, we go to bed. now, i have promised to be gone before 7 am [when boi usually is awake] in order to be in this bed with her. we stayed up a while later, in bed, talking, and soon drift off to sleep. after being asleep for a while, i became increasingly aware of a presence at the foot of the bed. this is a vulnerable time for anyone, this twilight of consciousness between sleeping and waking, and especially for me in this still strange bed. i slowly become aware that this must be boi! and that he is looking at me with a look of consternation on his face like i have never seen before. and that i am staring back at him with exactly the same look. we make eye contact. but what to do now? ephelba is no help! she is sound asleep. time is passing, and there is this urgency building within in me that i should say something, anything, anything but just lay there and look back at the child staring at me.

so i wave at him. not a big wave, but just enough to let him know i’m awake, and have noticed him. boy jumps. clearly he had not anticipated this tactic. while he is still looking at me with an expression of total amazement, i introduce myself. “hi,” i say, “my name is simon.” his expression instantly changes to one of pure delight. he tells me his name. and as i am suggesting that boy might want to consider going back to his bed for the remainder of the evening, ephelba wakes up at last, and asks what’s going on. I point out the new presence in the room. this doesn’t bother her at all, as she gives him a kiss and a hug and sends him off to his bed. we look at each other, trying to make sense of what just happened and ephelba says, “at least you get to sleep in tomorrow.” quite true, and i was glad of it.