it was that one friday, the friday of that weekend we went to the grim wedding. we had been full of fun that day. we had run some errands, bought some new video games, and then for a night of raucous sex after that. we had been teasing each other unmercifully all day in anticipation. later, an old friend of ephelba's called. she came over, and we cooked dinner, had some gin and tonic, and generally had a good time listening to music, talking, and doing google searches on each others names, etc. so when it came time for our friend to go, i was way looking forward to a good long roll in the hay with ephelba. so when she came to me and said that she was just too tired, i was really disappointed and angry. ephelba has this chronic fatigue thing, and it leaves her just plain exhausted some times. ephelba is super at not letting on how this affects her, and if you spent the day with her, you might never guess at how bad she feels. so because of the chronic fatigue, i try and not let myself count on plans made ahead of time too very much, but today i did. i kiss her and tell her its ok. its not her fault she feels this way, and i feel like a shit sometimes for feeling this way, but i do. my body is all wound up, and i feel betrayed by all the teasing we did earlier in the day. i'm angry that she is tired, and though i don't want to take it out on her, there is no other i can say all this to. ephelba goes to brush her teeth. i go into our room to make the bed, but suddenly i can't stand to be standing there looking at it. then i'm back in the living room again, with the lights all off, listening to brubeck and coltrane, and brooding. ephelba finishes with her teeth, and heads to our room, expecting to find me there. she's surprised when i'm not, and she calls out my name. she finds me soon enough in the living room [its not a big apartment] and curls up next to me on the couch. i tell her how i feel, after some patient questions on her part. ephelba is so good at drawing me out. then ephelba says that she does have a bit of energy left, after all, and that we should find some creative way to use it. i love her so much at this moment, the way she takes care of me. but i said no, because suddenly i felt petty and selfish. i said to her no, lets let you get what you need this time. [i'm starting to feel a bit noble, even.] we cuddle for a bit longer, and i tell ephelba about the music we are listening to, [ephelba is new to jazz] and then she goes to bed. i follow her in later, after brushing my teeth, and take care of myself there in our bed next to her. ephelba is sound asleep, and doesn't move, but i like being so close to her. and at least now i can get some sleep. but what is going through my head now, as i'm writing this, is this sudden epiphany about how ephelba, too, must have been disappointed, and she didn't have the space to say it. and how hard it must have been for her to turn to me and say she's too tired for us, with her knowing how i'd react. and how she had nobody to listen to her say all this.