i am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. i need to say this until i can say it without choking, or feeling ashamed of it, or even wanting it to be different. Can i wish for that? its pointless, but sometimes i do. other times i say, but this is a part of me. if that is gone, then i'm no longer me. well, at least not the old me. the new me could, perhaps, be a much more carefree, la-de-da [the hyphens are for you, ephelba] sort of me. A friend of mine once said that i was more myself than anyone else he knew. i smiled at that. that i fit my skin, he said. i've worked hard at that. you see, the first thing you do when coping with sexual abuse is to stop feeling. stop feeling anything, starting with your skin, and then go as far away as possible. children do this easily, and people who are really good at it develop multiple personalities, or the ability to withdraw into themselves so far as to seem catatonic. its a great way to cope with an unbearable situation, when you are so little, and there is no one to help. but now as an adult, this skill of mine, of not feeling, is more of a hinderance than anything else. my wonderful lover, ephelba, is my opposite. she feels everything exquisitely. even watching a movie, she squeeks and jumps at everything on the screen. i just don't feel that. it doesn't affect me. i have my armour. i want to be more like her in this. its such a risk, though. but ephelba lets me feel safe enough to try. i thought i'd made some progress at feeling, until i met her. ephelba feels so much! she would argue that i talk about my feelings more easily than she does. thats true, and its from a long time of working at it. but ephelba feels, and this is a better trick. and through being with her, i do feel more. i'm always telling her about what i'm feeling. it probably tries her patience. but i can't help doing so, and i don't want to stop. i have such great feelings with ephelba, i can't keep them to myself. it is so remarkable, these feelings i have for her. i am just a smiling fool whenever i recall them. happy, thats what it is.