So, this whole thing starts back in the dim mists of ancient prehistory, but you, gentle reader, shall be spared all that. I'm just hoping be better able to understand me, and by extension, to gain empathy for others as well. I place great faith in the fact that even the simple act of acknowledgement has power to soothe and heal. So that here seems like a natural place for me to start. Perhaps I should just be blunt and state that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, not to mention physical and emotional abuse. Its something that I have spent many hours in therapy discussing and trying to reach some kind of resolution. I had thought that I had dealt with most of the issues involved. And I was right, I had dealt with most of the issues. but not those most intimately related to sex, not entirely. As a result of my abuse, enjoying sex is never very clear or straight forward for me. Even something as stupid as "Would I like to have a sexual experience now" is ridiculously complicated. Sometimes, I just don't know. I have to think, "Am I actually horny right now?" "Am I turned on right now?" or am I experiencing some other feeling, such as loneliness, or a simple need for closeness that is easily confused (by me, anyway) with a desire for sex. What brings it all to a head is this woman I've met. I could go on and on about her, Ephelba, apple of my eye. She has brought so many wonderful things into my life. With ease and grace, she has neatly stood my world on its head. She makes me so happy, I get a lump in my throat just thinking about her. It's just that now, my unresolved issues with sexuality have now become most prominent. One thing that scares me is that my unpredictable responses to anything sexual will hurt our relationship. I would go back in therapy to prevent that. It just pisses me off that I've already had to spend so much time and money on shrinks of all kinds and degrees, and before that the confused, wasted years I spent grappling with things I didn't understand at all. An unexpected good thing is that as a result, I have gained insight, understanding, comprehension, and perhaps forged myself into a better person than I would have become otherwise. At what price, though. And now it is still not enough. Sometimes it feels as though I have a large hole where some part of me was taken and is gone. And though I try and try to fill it everyway I can: learning, accomplishment, work, school, therapy; this emptiness may never be filled.